F.R.I.E.N.D.S

i always thought SAY that i am a good friend. but the truth is, i am not.

i have lots of friends. i think for those who know me, you will think 'of course, you are friendly' will be the perfect reason. but the truth is, i realized that i am someone who is paranoid of having anybody too close to me for i cant bear to lose any of them.

i have few bestfriends. ok, i have had few superclose friends who i will never hesitate to do anything for them. but i tend to lose some due to lots of reason. and my nature of 'running from problem' is one of them. i am one who cannot control my own emotion, one who will always have emotional breakdown when things get tough. but, i tried my very best, still trying in fact to be better. and thats when i think i need to 'use' my friends, to support me. to give me love, as how i will do the same for them.

people change. so am i. maybe thats why sometimes i cant believe how fast the time flies. i think i might need to really look forward rather than longing and missing the past. i love my friends, even when they don't feel the same. i care for them even when others think i overdid the gestures, or even when people think i am not. i am just me at the first place.. hard to predict, complicated and selfish.

but to think back, i can never stop from being sad of how my little gestures of gratitude sometimes just being ignored by others...or maybe i am overthink about it. or maybe they just dont think the same way, feel the same as me. did i even deserve to have friends around me at the first place? yes, i value my bestfriends more than my boyfriend, something that even my-future-bf need to know and accept. but the question is, will they do the same for me?

this doesnt mean i don't have any bestfriends at all. yes, i have a lot of awesome n gorgeous friends. take my housemates for example, my sisters who understand me and will make me happy when im down. my dear ones who i hold closely to heart like this one guy who never fail to be with me when im down n laugh with me when i laugh, and few others who scattered all around the world. they are just fabulous you will trade anything for them. with that, i shall be grateful and say thank you.

just, the greedy me just cant feel at ease, just not yet. for she cant erase the memories with the liquid paper. or worse, she cant erase her fault with the eraser.

i came to think at one point i am being even more ignorant and selfish than before. if i am being cruel to you than say it, or else i will never know. if i am being a bad friend then tell me, or else i can never make it up to you. to all my old friends, new friends, will-be friends, i shall say now that i love, care and value all of you. as a bad, stupid, worst friend as i might be to all of you, do know that somehow i never have any intention to even hurt you. so here i warn you... i am really a bad person as a friend. you might want to consider again if you want to be a friend of mine.

as i am really a bad friend.

this post is dedicated to nobody.